A lot of people are up in arms about the complete lack of security in ActiveX, and I can't blame them. This technology allows people to download potentially dangerous code and run it on their own computer. A malicious ActiveX control can delete files, corrupt programs, or send threatening e-mail to the White House. You would have to be utterly insane to use such technology.
As a solution to this dreadful problem, I suggest we pass a law making it illegal to download, install, or otherwise attempt to use any software that can have a damaging effect to a computer or its files. Judging by the legal disclaimers that come with most modern software, that includes just about everything but Java applets running in the highest security mode. Though such applets tend to be small, limited, and sorely lacking in features, and utterly useless without strong server-side support, it is the price we must pay for security.
That would protect computers from the dangerous, malignant software that is overwhelming the Internet, but what about the psychological dangers, especially to children? There is nothing so unnatural as exposing children to the sight of people who are not wearing the clothes God gave them, yet as any television or newspaper reporter can tell you, the Internet is overflowing with lurid images, perverts, and sexual predators. Security-minded people like me cannot hope the children will simply avoid unsavory characters and lascivious content, using only their own best judgement. We must take drastic and intrusive action!
But what action should we take? We could simply not allow children to use computers at all. That would leave them completely unprepared to enter a workforce growing more and more dependent on computers every day, but there is an even more serious problem. Though the media coverage would lead you to believe that lewd pictures, perverts, and sexual predators exist only inside of the Internet, new evidence that has just recently come to my attention suggests that some of them might also exist outside the Internet as well. Also, we cannot overlook the possibility that children might inadvertantly become exposed to their own nudity, no matter how carefully their parents tie them down in bed each night. How can we remain secure in the face of a crisis of such staggering proportions?
The only sure way to save young, innocent children from this psychological trauma is to poke their eyes out with a sharp metal implement on the day they are born, and lock them in a closet away from all human contact until they are legally an adult. It is a drastic measure, but anyone who truly cares about safety and security in their lives knows that it must be taken if we are to raise happy, well-adjusted offspring. I only wish my parents were as kind to me.
That addresses the two most burning issues of computer security, but that is hardly the end of our problems. There are problems of day-to-day security that strangely remain completly overlooked.
For instance: most houses aren't bulletproof, or napalm-resistant. Do you realize that anyone with a machine-gun or a flamethrower could be a serious threat to your life? Since the Constitution guarantees the right to keep and bear arms, we cannot simply take such weapons away from people. The only alternative is to build our houses out of steel-reinforced concrete, with outer walls no less than a foot thick.
Sure, you could huddle in your flimsy wooden house, and hope you are lucky enough not to be shot or burned by marauding bands of criminals, but anyone truly concerned with security would not consider this an acceptable solution. I think building codes should be updated to address this need for well-armored housing. Many people will not be able to afford these costly measures, and will be thrown out of homes deemed uninhabitable by these stricter laws, but that is the price we must pay for security.
That is only the beginning. Fresh fruit in the supermarket can be injected with poison from a hypodermic needle, and you would never know until it was too late. Public water fountains can be rigged to deliver serious electric shocks to anyone foolish enough to drink from them. Automobiles can be rigged to explode. LSD can be added to our tap water. I have done all of these things in order to demonstrate our alarming lack of security, but nobody appreciates my efforts. They treat me like a criminal!
I could go on all day about the dangerous forces that threaten our lives, the black helicopters that are watching us, and the little voice that tells me to cover all the power outlets with tin-foil, but the doctors tell me it's time for me to take my medication. Remember all I have told you about the importance of security! Goodbye!